A few months ago I tested positive for a blood disorder that is responsible for stealing small unborn babies from my family for generations. (Praise the Lord for modern science that can find unseen problems that for generations were unexplained. “We’re sorry but sometimes these things just happen.” And also find remedies for those problems so that tiny, unborn babies can grow, and be born, and live long normal lives.)
Past 38 weeks I cannot take this tiny pill that is keeping my blood from killing my baby.
That is today.
I suddenly feel like a trapeze artist whose safety nets have just been collected and stored- but I must keep on with my tricks and routines.
To prepare for today and every day until our Baby Human decides it’s time to come, I reflect on the journal entry I made 6 weeks ago when the diagnosis was made and the repercussions were explained.
Lord, You have always been in control. You formed me 31 years ago and when all the tiny pieces were in place you knew that one day I would sit here in tears over the little baby we prayed for that I was afraid to have and now I am afraid to lose. Little Baby, you are so loved. You are so wanted.
Nothing at all has changed between today and yesterday except for that now I know what You knew all along.
“High Risk of Still Birth” how does anyone calmly receive that diagnosis? But I did, partially because I am my father’s daughter and also because You are here whispering,
“I know, but- I AM me still. Despite the words you are hearing and the fears they are stirring, I am here- and I am still who I am. And if your very worst fears do come true, will I not walk with you until you can see light again and even further beyond?“
And just the knowledge of that gives me peace.
Dear Lord, the creator and keeper of life. You have blessed us with this tiny, precious child. I beg You not to let my body attack her or starve her… With all that is coming or may come, I don’t know that my body, or mind, or spirit can handle it but, You are strength when there is no strength.
Even my midwife today, who is not a Christian, told me that with all of their monitoring and tests and even the medicine they can’t guarantee that nothing will go wrong. As she told me this I smiled slightly because I was reminded of Who is really in control.
Modern Medicine has it’s remedies and it’s answers but it is still my Father who is the Creator and Keeper of life. He is Strength and Hope when there is no strength or hope. At the end of the day my trust cannot be in medicine or the wisdom of doctors because only my God is the sovereign Great Physician.